JOYCELYN`

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im tired of pleasing people.
im tired of having to care about people's feelings.
im tired of having to share my personal feelings.
im so tired of having to feel pain.
noone understands.
i said NOONE UNDERSTANDS!
-
people do contradict.
i finally know.
everyone contradicts of wad they feel and do.
everyone.
-
im so tired of being someone's punching bag
when i dont deserve it.
i feel unappreciated.
somethings are not even my fault to begin with.
its was not me who choose myself.
it was not me who makes decisions.
it was not even my intention to make people feel unhappy and upset
over anything that involves me.
i dont even know wad did i do wrong.
and it sucks!
-
the person that can cheer you up
when things happen or youre upset
is not me anymore.
its him.
your guy.
not me anymore.
perharps im really
blind and stupid
to be afraid that
you'll get upset.
so i told you stuffs
when im not supposed to tell anyone.
was it really being appreciated
or was it just a plain reply?
wadever i say now doesn matter anymore.
thats wad i felt.
seriously.
thats wad i felt.
-
sometimes.
its not about talent that gets people far.
its about personality.
this world is always unfair.
i've knew that since secondary school.
when my friend bitch about me in front of the teacher
in order to get me off my vice-president post.
and she did it so well.
life is always unpredictable.
life is always biased.
-
i know the feeling sucks when
you know you are a good dancer
and
someone who is not as good as you
was being picked for a performance.
but like wad rahim said.
just think that youre lousy
even if thats the not reason?
because,
when you admit that youre lousy,
only den will you succeed further.
i find it meaningful.
i once told myself im lousy
when i was not picked for one of the item
in concert.
the feeling was painful.
i know it hurts.
but i convinced myself that i suck.
from there,
i started seeing ppl who are so much better den me.
and i dont want to lose to them
so i tried working.
everyone has different way of working towards their goal.
for me,
i dont need to go classes everyday.
because like wad meiqi said.
hardworking is good
but if you continue doing the wrong things while working hard,
you still wont improve.
so dance smart.
-
i have different priorities.
unlike some of my friends
whose dance is their main focus in life.
we all love dance.
but we have different way of loving dance.
we all train dance differently too.
so dont compare us.
-
im thankful to meichin joey iris
who told me bout my enthu in dance
cause ive been participating lesser in dance class.
but do not worry
because i still love dance.
just that i changed my way of training dance.
thanks yea =)
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ive been thinking alot lately.
because this is the period of time
where everything starts to change.
we are moving on to be seniors.
we will have lots of performance coming up.
im sure there'll be lots of conflicts.
because ive already experienced some myself
and it got me thinking even more.
-
i can feel that
my friendship is gonna wobble
with few of my friends.
i dont know whether will it break or be stronger.
i keep my fingers crossed
-
if you're being placed in a team with weak dancers.
dont tell youself that you cant improve.
people do improve day by day.
just that they dont realise it.
-

dance new main comm members are.
president-rahim.
v.p-yu xin.
head of training- ah foong.
welfare/ttreasuer- royston teoh.
sec-andy.
quartermaster-frankie.
ass. q.m- iris.
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when we were having lunch during
art induction camp.
jean came to tell me
i couldn be in main comm
cause my gpa below 2.
-
during dance chalet.
rahim spoke to
kaiwen andreas and me
about results.
i can only choose btw
FUNKA . SUNTEC . BIG GROOVE.
wad a wide range of choices to choose.
-
that means
i wont be performing much this year.
which means
i wont have to worry
about ppl being upset again.
because i hate worrying about people now.
im not enjoying in tpde anymore.
i hate that everyone has become competetive.
i hate that everyone is fighting for their survival in tpde.
i hate that because of dance, my friendships are on risk.
i hate that people are beginning to be aware of one another.
i hate this feeling.
i hate that frankie is in main comm
because he's obviously so into his job
that he sometimes neglected me
which i MUST understand him.
i hate that i have noone to tell how i really feel.
because everyone has their own problems now.
and im pretty sure someone is unhappy with me.
because of the events im involved in.
i am too sensitive that i feel such things.
fuck
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i feel that some people in dance are getting
complacent or over-confident or both.
i feel that its bad.
its bad to keep assuming you'll be inside an event
because you're good
or
someone whom you know damn well will put you inside an event.
because its wrong mentality that youre having.
and you'll fall hard if youre not chosen in either way.
dont blame anyone.
blame yourself
for having those thoughts.
after that, get over it even if it feels damn sucky.
-
'bring yourself down to see people'
meaning do not be proud.
dont just breathe and see air up above
that you can see noone.
-

noone likes the truth.

noone likes being told the truth.

including me.

-

serene once told me.

if you care about someone as your good friend,

you have to tell them how you really feel.

if they cant accept it, let them be

cause you did your part to tell them but they dont appreciate.

-
everyone has different opinion towards different issues.

and its tough trying to understand everyone's point.
-
the big groove/ staying in tpde auditions
is on 28april08 6pm
3rd may 08 3pm.
fcuk everything.
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im so tired.

fcuk sake.

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tell me why do i care so much about others?

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people dont understand its not because of me being possessive that
frankie becomes friendly with girls.
its because of the many girls that he was close with that got me being possessive
and protective of him.
damn it.
why cant ppl understand?
it was not my possessiveness that drives frankie wanting to die.
its because he felt that its his fault,
that he hurt me countless times.
ah fuck.
why should i explained?
no matter how many times i tried to explain.
ppl wont understand.
i respect girls who gives total freedom to their boyfriend.
allow their boyfriend to be touched by girls.
playing around.
i respect them.
because i cant do it.
perharps those in my shoes will understand how i feel
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well. i have nth to say already.

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