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my back is so weak

im nervous for my driving on wed.

anyway.
one bad friend doesnt means
all of my friends are like that.
if you dont want to be my friend
or tired to be mine,
just tell me.
den we'll stop
pretending to be nice to one another
and move on
and new friends will start coming in.
.
i dont want to lose faith in my friends
just because of setback from one.
yea.

plucking my courage
and confronted you.
if you didnt complained bout me to him
and if he didnt told me
i wouldn have confronted you
is it my fault?
honestly, no
i strongly felt it was not my fault
at all.
why?
when i asked countless times
bout our group interview.
you all went
anything ah
see how
still far
oh yea hor.
so i initiated to find.
and i know how much
you all hated sales/service
and how much
i hated engineering stuffs
but im willing to compromise
and search for both areas.
and there you went.
shutting me off.
saying that
i anyhow pick the advertisment.
if i anyhow pick,
i wouldn spent hours searching
newspapers after newspaper
looking for the right
engineer job
that doesnt requires
EXPERIENCE and other stuffs
that we dont even have or learn before.
its okay if you dont appreciate
you continued saying
that noone asked me to search so much
-.-
anyway
the only reason i flared up
was
you talked behind my back
using words like fuckup and retarded.
and my only confronted sentence was
" wad are you unhappy with? just tell me"
and there comes your super long long angry msges.
.
its stupid knowing
you talked about me to him
and you talked about him to me
just tell him straight if youre upset.
.
and then im okay already
but you went on and on and on
digging from .... long time stuffs
-.-
and i just listened.
suggesting you ways to solve it
and that one sentence .
" thanks a lot joyce
you really make my 20years of being alive
feel so unappreciated"
.
upon seeing that,
i know that
youre not someone im gonna talk to
after i graduate; forever.
you kept implying that im the one whose hurting you
when youve started everything first.
and youre mad because i didnt apologise.
i dont feel apologetic.
you cant expect me to say sorry
when i dont mean it.
-.-
.
now, both of you are talking bad bout one another to me.
pushing the blame to one another.
its amazing.
i cant trust both of you.
.
i am also a human being
i have feelings too
and i am still sensitive as ever.
yup.
bye world.
* must be my hair- bad luck -.-

there are days
where i feel really light and freee
and days
where i feel super heavy and burdennnn
.
i dont know how to compromise.
and
which ever ways
i tried to change
is never satisfying both sides.
i dont know how to
strike an balance.
so that everyone is happy.
and im so sick of making people around me happier than i am.
i want to be happy
and all of you to be happy.
cut me some slack.
its not easy.
really.
.
sometimes i'll ignore
sometimes i wanna get back
sometimes i'll complain
sometimes i'll keep thinking
i am so annoying.
.
and just judge judge all you want.
i care
and it will hurt
but thats you.
.
people changed.
and everyone changes
because of
all the
different setbacks
different obstacles
different difficulty levels of hipcupps
we are bound to face in this life.
some face it
some run away
and people really changed.
even i do.
and thats when people starts dirfting apart.
and they might not even know when they started changing.
and everyone's situation is so different
that you cant expect everyone to be you.
able to do what you can do
able to feel what you feel
able to commit the same as you do.
its not easy to maintain friendship.
mine.
are always coming and leaving
im so used to
all the past changes
that i dont want to do anything about it
i rather leave it.
until it got people feeling hurt
and perharps
thats a wake up call
for me.
and i know.
if it didnt hurt you,
i wouldn know
you loved me.
because i thought you dont.
=)
.
bye world.

why do ppl always say

turkey was total opposite

300th post for this blog.

i dont know why do i get upset
over friends who dont give a shit bout me.
i dont know why do i bitch
when they bitch about me.
i dont know why am i
calling the kettle black
when im the pot.
i dont know.
people do contradict theirselves.
dont deny.
you are too.
we all do.
how often
do your find your words
changing as soon as you find yourself in danger
or the situation doesnt look pleasant to you.
your actions as well.
you can hide
and friends dont observe that well
but yeaa.
someday somehow
the wolves' skin will peal off .
.
how i find about my ungrateful friends.
simple.
project.
etc etc
anywhere.
it takes time.
hell lots of my time.
cant everyone just be nice people.
i guess daddy is right.
one grain of rice, millions different people
with different personality eats it.
i mean.
there are nice people out there
and im happy to cross path with them.
i just dont see why a person wanna be mean
just because
she/he has a bad day before that.
she/he has family/relationship prob.
she/he just wanna have things going her/his way.
she/he thinks they're always right when the facts were smacked on their faces.
list goes on.
some assumptions are seen as unhealthy.
but have we ever thought
sometimes
its like preparation beforehand. ( if it really happens)
i dont know.
i always assume and doubt
and sometimes
my fear bla bla bla
do come true.
hmmm.
when you say
im your close/best/good/sister friend?
do you mean it
or youre just keeping me beside you?
i will follow with wad my feelings says so.
i wont lie about it.
some things,
you cant just lie.
does happiness lies in lies or truth?
you rather be happy living under lies or breathing freely under truth?
dont lie to yourself.
when stuffs dont work, sort it out.
self-happiness worth much more than reputation.
=))
bye world.
goodnight!
loves, joycelyn`

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